Becoming POZ at 42

 
This is probably the main reason why I decided to start a blog. NEVER never at the age of 42 would I think I would become Poz. Writing a blog has allowed me to vent my thoughts with no fear of what others think.

I survived my 20's and 30's without getting HIV. I remember hearing on the news when I was in high school that there was this "gay cancer". The media stated that if you are gay you will eventually get what they later called HIV".

I knew since birth that I was gay. I have since birth had a fear of pain and dying. The whole when will death happen, how it will happen and will it be painful. I had such a fear of getting HIV that I joined the military. Yes I joined the military thinking it would make me heterosexual. This means I would not get HIV. Stupid, stupid me. I meet soo many gay men and women but that is a blog for another day.

Okay I digress, back in August 08 I got my regular test for HIV and I was negative.  There was a guy I was "hanging out" with regularly.  We would go to movies, dinner, out for drinks on the weekend.  He is versatile and I am more of a top.  Later in the dating scenario I feel guilty that he was willing to bottom each and every time and I made no attempt to bottom.  So, one night in September I decide I would give him some ass.  Because he is well endowed we had to take it nice and slow. With a lot of patience and lube he finally got his over-sized "love stick" into my "sugar walls".  THAT NIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD BOTTOMED IN 9 YEARS. He is the silent type during sex.  The only way I knew he came was because I felt the liquid in my ass.  I instantly told him to "pull out" which hurt like crazy.  I was embarrassed because I thought I had an "accident".  When he pulled out that is when we realized, he had burst thru the condom.  Yes, you read it right.  WE WERE NOT BAREBACKING - HE WAS WEARING A CONDOM.  I went to the bathroom and tried to push the cum out of my ass.  Nothing came out because it was deep inside.  You might think this is weird but at that very moment, something said to me "You are now infected".  I got off the toilet and soaked in the tub and silently mourned the death of my HIV status.  Dramatic but true.  I was not aware that I was in mourning at that moment.  But, when I look back on that night that is essentially how I felt.

Now is it October 08 and I am in Palm Springs lying by the pool at the JW Marriott.  Sorry, I don't really care for the sex clubs / bath house disguised as gay resorts in Palm Springs.  When I returned back to LA from PS, my entire body broke out.  My entire body peeled after about a week.  So, I assumed it was sun burn or an allergic reaction to the sun screen.  Because my skin has always been sensitive.  Being a light skin, mixed man I do think I look better with a tan otherwise I am definitely what Black people would call "high yellow".

Now it is March 09 I go out for Chinese food at Ghensis Cohen.  The very next morning I woke up with a swollen face and my entire body had a rash.  It took 2 months for my body to get back to normal.  Again I thought maybe now I had an allergic reaction to the food.  I had a dish called "seafood delight".  I talked to a friend of mine and we went on-line and I had all the symptom of an allergic reaction to shellfish.  So, I tossed it up as at the age of 41 I am now allergic to shellfish.  BUT, the weird part is that I also had some type of head cold.  My ears were completely clogged up and I could barely hear.

This is the weirder part, I was having night sweat and I just thought maybe the heat is up too high and the lotion all over my body is making me hot.  Anyway back to the weird part, I had a dream that the guy was going to call me and tell me he was now POZ and that I should get tested.  I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to bed.  One week from the dream I built up my courage to take the oral test, it came back stated it needed to be re-tested.  This meant I needed to go into the clinic for the blood test.  I guess I was converting during that time.  I took the oral test on a Sunday.  When I tell you that on Friday I got a call from the guy and everything happened just like my dream stated.  I was not able to get the blood test until Tuesday because Monday was a holiday.

On June 16, 2009 I was officially diagnosed at HIV POZ.  A month later I received my viral load (246) and TCB-4 (600) count.  At this point I am not on medication.  My body is fighting the virus by itself and I have a very weak strain of the virus.

I have good and bad days.  On the bad days I think:

1.  Why me?  I was not BBing or PNPing or even drunk.
2.  Why me? I was not being a slut.
3.  Why did I bottom when I don't enjoy it anyway?
4.  Maybe I should not have shaved my ass - the friction probably broke the condom.
5. Maybe we did not use enough lube.
6. Why the fuck did the condom break?  It takes an action of God to get the plastic wrapper off a CD.
7. The fuck was not even good.  If I were going to bottom and become POZ I at least want to look back at that night and say "damn he fucked me good that was great sex".

So, now the journey begins to remain mentally and physically strong.