WHAT IS "LOVE" ? !

I have been in 4 relationships.  And I have never been in "love".  I loved the men I dated just like I do my friends and family.  But I have never experience the type of love that people write songs, books, and movies about.  Hell, some people have commit murder in the name of love.

So when Prop 8 was deemed as unconstitutional, I started to think, "Who would want to marry me?", "Hell, have I ever dated anyone I would actually marry?"  It caused me to think about my past relationships.

Relationship #1 -  I was only 20 years old.  I had no idea what I wanted in a man.  All I threw is that this man wanted me and I wanted him.  We were both "young, dumb and full of cum", so we went 100 mph forward into the unknown.  The relationship latest for about 1 year.  It was my first "love" or as some call "puppy love".

Relationship #2 - I was 27 years old.  I had a crush on this guy.  And unbeknown to me he had a crush on me.  One night he was drunk and confessed his feeling while we were at the same party.  But he had a boyfriend at the time.  So, I quickly dismissed the entire incident and told no one about it.  A few month later he was single (but still living with his boyfriend).  Long story short, the boyfriend moved out of state and he moved in with me.  Again, another relationship that moved 100 mph forward.  As I look back I wondered "why did I get into that relationship to begin with?"  And I have to be honest with myself I know exactly why I moved so quickly:

1. He was HOT. And I could not believe someone that hot wanted me.  BUT so fucking boring.  He never talked or had an opinion.  It was like dating a deal mute.  He had not a drop of personality. But he was hot and wanted me.
2. They guy I was dating prior to meeting my future bf dumped me to get back with his ex and I felt rejected and lonely.

This relationship lasted for over 1 year and man on man was there alot of drama (because of his friends).  But I finally woke up and the rest is history.

Relationship #3 -  This guy was soo funny.  I enjoyed spending time with him.  We would be silly and just laugh and laugh.  Hanging out with was like hanging out my a friend.  The sex was amazing.  But at the end of the relationship I realized his feeling for me where not about "love" it was about "lust" and because he was a person that cannot be single.  We were together for one year.  I honestly thought we would continue to be a couple regardless of our issues.  We got back together after the first time we broke up and then time the relationship last another year. Total for two years.  Currently we are not friends....long story.  As of today I am utterly disappointed but not shocked about the latest situation.  Why was I in a relationship with him period:

1. Because I suffer from severe low esteem, he made me feel attractive.
2. We had soo much fun together, he made me feel like a child again.

Relationship #4 - This guys is the sweetest, nicest, smartest person I have ever meet.  From the moment I first met him I saw this "glow" around his entire body.  I knew he would forever be in my life.  To this very day he continue to be the same person he was when I meet him 5 years ago.  We are no longer a couple but he is indeed one of my best friends.  Why did I move forward into this relationship:

1. I thought it was not going to get any better than this guy so I tied him down before anyone else could get him.
2. I meet him during a time that I had lost complete hope in that their were nice guys in Los Angeles. So again when I meet him I had to keep him.

I say all of this (providing my dating history) because I am beginning to wonder that as we experience life, dates various types of guys, mature (grow up) we (or should I say "I") realized that "love" is not going to happen for everyone.  I have a friend who is now 47 years old and he has never been in a relationship and his last date was probably back when Carter was president LOL.  I have another friend in which he and his partner have been together for 12 years.  You can feel the energy of love the minute you enter their house.  They still behave as if they just meet.  That is what I want.  But is it in the "cards" for me to find love?

 I believe the world has to be balanced.  Some people have to be sick and some will be healthy.  Some people will be poor and some will be rich.  Some will find love and the other will be on a search for love.

Maybe I am one of those that will be on a search for love.