I have a big secret. (Don't tell anyone)
I have something to admit. I am afraid. I am scared. I am worried. And I don't know what to do about it.
When I was in my early 20's I kept having this reoccurring dream. The dream was that I was an old man living ALONE.
I do not remember if I was happy or sad, I just remember the feeling of being ALONE. You know how the more you try to remember a dream the quicker it fades. All I know is that I don't want this dream to come true. But, it seems like the cards are stacked against me for the following factors:
1. I am 42 years old, so in the gay world I am considered old and/or invisible. Luckily I look 28 - 30, it
is a blessing and a curse.
2. I live in the "Land of Nuts and Flakes" (Los Angeles). Some (not all) of the guys here are soo
materialistic, superficial and flaky.
3. I am newly POZ (7 months). I am not too sure if guys are truly open to dating a POZ guy. Then there
are issue of should I date a negative guy.
4. I am not emotionally strong enough to deal with any type of rejection at this point. So, I don't put
myself in situation for rejection. Example: I go on various website but I never send a message to a
guy first.
So my question is, "How do I overcome or get comfortable with my fears?" (Fear of growing old - Fear of not finding love and being a LTR - Fear of being alone - Fear of Rejection).
"Am I alone in my fear - does anyone else feel this way?"
For what's it worth, my friend, you're not alone. Not only that, but the fears you express are common for gay men regardless of their HIV status. I'm a few years older than you and can remember when being HIV+ was a place of no hope - no hope for health, no hope for connection, no hope for a life longer than two years. So much has changed, not the least being that your life - at 42 - is NOT over. You've hit a major bump and you'll need to figure out to get past it because, when you do, your whole life is before you and nothing is out of the question, including finding a partner or, believe it or not, living a long, happy life that may not include one.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the blogging, keep up the therapy, and make it your absolute intention to move past this moment in your life into the next - the good stuff is just waiting out there for you.